I’m writing this because I want to be happy on my birthday. Last year was a disaster and I want to forget about it all. You know the most special birthday for a girl? Well, of course, it’s her 18th birthday! A girl can only have one. I had one and it sucks. We’re not that rich as what people think I am. I’m just good at money. I’m kinda frugal that’s why I have them when I need them. In spite of this, my mother somehow managed to give me a debut that could be enough for me if it was not only tragic. The place was just fine so was the food (the cake was superb sadly, not all have eaten it). I don’t like my gown that much because it was not what I expected but it looked nice on the pictures. My escort? He’s the finest gentleman around but nothing really special. He was not the one I wanted for my escort but who else could it be. I only invited a few friends from college because my debut is not that grand and our house is just small for them to fit. But if I didn’t have any of those problems I would like to invite them all. Another reason why I didn’t invite them was because I was afraid that we’re not close enough and they might reject my invitation. So even if it was not the best debut a girl could have I wanted it to pass and remember it someday as one of the happiest days of my life.
But as the day came closer, the more reason I had to be depressed. My friends started to have reasons why they couldn’t come. Family out of towns, exams, just not into it and others were complaining that they don’t know what to wear. I was compromising when it was supposed to be them who should do me a favour. It made me sad but what else could I do. As what they say in theatres, “The show must go on.” I spent the two weeks of my semestral break for preparing and the other week for mourning. Those were the most tiring two weeks of my life. There wasn’t a day which I didn’t end up exhausted. I had to go there and there. I had to make this and this. What was more strenuous is that I had to do it alone. Sometimes my mother would accompany me but those sometimes weren’t good times. There was once when we went to the printing shop to submit my tarpaulin’s layout. I designed it myself and I kinda like it but my mother did not. She wanted to put the date and time and I just wanted the “Claudenne @ 18”. And because it did not have the date on it, she got mad and told me this “If I only knew that you don’t know how to layout, I could have somebody else to do it.” You don’t know how hurtful that was for me. Hearing those words from my own mother plus that embarrassed me big time to the people who have heard it. I think the editor noticed it. He just said “Ma’am, the design is actually beautiful we could just add the date if you want.” It was disheartening for me to think that strangers are more sensitive of my feelings than my own mother. I was so stressed. My 18 roses, candles, and treasures kept on withdrawing and I was tired of replacing them. So I just let the list as it is. I left things I needed at different places and I have to go back to get them. Irritating, it was. Maybe due to fatigue, I got sick. The day before my birthday my runny nose kept on bugging me and I felt so weak. I wanted to rest. I wanted to be taken care of. I wanted comfort. But, I was just so lucky that no one bothers to look after me. I just told myself, “Don’t worry. It would be alright tomorrow. Your friends would be there. You’ll gonna have fun and all your effort will be paid off.” Then I received a text. It was from my college friend. I asked him what he needs. Apparently, he was delaying the conversation and I wasn’t up to it. I wanted to tell him “I’m sick and I’m tired so I don’t have time to fool around with you. You know how stressful these days were for me? I want to break down but I just can’t and I really want to cry right now. So, will you please stop annoying me and tell me what it is.” I already keyed in those words and was about to send it but I cancelled it. I just don’t think he’s the one I should tell those things to. He talks and I listen a lot but he doesn’t know me that much to know that I was very vulnerable that time. So I just insisted asking him to tell me what he wanted to tell me. He said he’s not coming anymore. Many people had already told me that they weren’t coming and I had get use to it. But this one put me in my dismay the most because I know he’s not the only one who’s not coming. It would be all of them. And I was right. Moments later another friend of mine would text me that they couldn’t make it. I was at the point where I couldn’t take another bad news and then someone would bring them to me? They did not even ask me if how I was before telling me that they couldn’t come. I regretted not sending that text message. If only they knew how I feel maybe they wouldn’t let me down. I think it’s better if they just didn’t show up than tell me that they’re not coming. Of course, I would feel bad but at least I wouldn’t feel bad before my birthday. It could be their only gift. What made it hurt the most was they were the ones who told me that if I had a debut they would really come even if it would be in our province. So I decided to have a debut because I want them to meet my high school friends. And they were the ones who did not show up. There was a recent bombing near our place that time and it was on the news. I knew that it may cause trouble but I swear our place is safe. I blame the news for not broadcasting it. It caused my friends not to come. I cried a lot that night. It was because all of the negative emotions in me. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I cried until I received my first greetings. It was 2 o’clock of dawn when I unconsciously fell asleep and I woke up 5 o’clock to attend the 6 AM morning mass. I went alone wearing my jogging pants and I was still crying. My nose was dripping so was my tears. It’s disgusting but I pity myself more. What a mess I was weeping and praying at the same time. I prayed for a chance for everything to be fine, for my friends to come safely, for me to stop crying and be happy. It was my day! At least, it was supposed to be. But again, just like the theaters, the show must go on. Even if the characters are not complete and the plot is terrible.
The tragedy did not just end there. I was still receiving bad news. The video camera was use for a more important event but that was fine with me because I don’t want to record it on video anymore. Then my escort would text me that his mother who worked abroad arrived and he was going. I said it’s okay but I cried again. What else could happen? I lied a lot that day. It was the day that I lied the most. The day was spent lying and crying, faking smiles and pretending to be happy. Even at the party itself little mishaps continue to happen. I waited for my friend even though he was still travelling when the party started because I knew he’s coming. He was supposed to sing a song for me. I was too shy to ask him to do that so I offered to bring the guitar for him. My stepfather’s electric guitar did not work that time. He said he hadn’t used it for a long time. So that was cancelled. Did I forget to tell you that my organizer was hospitalized that day? He said it was due to stress. How can he be more stressed than I am? So the rest of the party was like “What would happen next?” I was supposed to celebrate but instead I was worrying what to do next. It was supposed to be planned for me.
After that day, I never talked to my friends again. It’s not their fault but I cried a lot because of them. I think I just need somebody to blame this. I’m bad I know. I was thinking that maybe they just shouldn’t be included as a part of me. Maybe some people would just really get out of your life at some point of your lifetime. I just didn’t expect that they would be gone in mine that way. I became a little anti-social after that. I was afraid to have friends who would disappoint me at the end. I prevented myself from trusting anyone. I kept a distance. I even got some problems with my other friends. I doubted all of them. I can’t believe what happened to my life. I thought that the day was cursed. Until now, that day still haunts me. It seems pathetic to be trapped by that moment. This day, I should change. I should move on. I should do everything that would make me happy. I would not let the past control what I should feel. It was a day that was supposed to be remembered but if remembering would only make me feel bad, I should just forget it. Maybe I can make more memories worthy of reminiscing. I should let go. I really hope I can do this. I would be better. Crash that out! I would be the best of myself. This is my birthday wish.
